Gut Churn

For my birthday this past year Chris and I went on a date, just the two of us for the first time since Lydia had been born.   Chris dressed nice, found a sitter, and wouldn’t even let me know where we were going.  We ended up going to the Black Hen and a show at the Center of the Arts. Usually I’m the kind of person that isn’t interested in expensive meals, but the Black Hen is really good – if you are in Blacksburg it is the ideal date and fabulous food. I mean the bread just fell apart in my month.  The pork chop and cocktail I had… oh man.  

I admit I could write pages and pages about the subject of food, the Black Hen is not what gave me gut churn (thank goodness J). The show we went to was called Gut Churn.  We listened to Jad Abumrad talk about what it was like to start one of the first pod casts: RadioLab.  This guy started the entire idea of pod casts.  HE STARTED IT- meaning he had no reference or standard ingredients or script.  He just dove into a cave of venous snakes like Indianna Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark and he too was afraid of snakes.  The only difference was he didn’t have a pretty girl to impress like Indy did and he was completely blind folded. 

Sure, he talked about how he had amazing conversations that changed his life and others, letters he’d gotten from fans, and how unbelievable the entire experience was and it was very inspirational.  But the most inspirational part was when he talked about how it REALLY felt was he starting Radio Lab.  What true entrepreneurship physically did to his brain and body.  He experienced terrible nausea and stomach aches for weeks and weeks, sitting in the fetal position for hours but he was perfectly healthy.  He woke up each morning knowing that he could fail over and over again.  Not wanting to move or think or feel – too anxious to be functional and skittish.  He was so real and knew that people needed to know this true to succeed like he had, because he continued to fight through it. 

I saw a ton of family this weekend and of course they all asked: How’s work.  I gave the glossed over smile and gave them the socially acceptable response of “fine” and changed the subject.    No one wants to hear how stressful work is and quite frankly I had a stomach ache all week at work and didn’t want it to come back.  I don’t hate my job.  I have a great boss and I put all the stress on myself because I just have high expectations.  I could be like everyone around me and just do what I’m told even though it’s stupid, but I can’t.  I’m not even a true entrepreneur, but I am driving change which means I’m fighting against a raging river current.  Being in this position I always wonder, is it really worth what I’m fighting for? And there is always the possibility that what you feel needs to change wrong.  I positive this is Gut Churn.

I have to take the risk and the potential consequences that come with it.  If I get fired: fine.  If it piss people off: fine (its bond to happen anyways). If it’s not the best for the company and I’m told that and it’s ok to ask why and learn, but I can’t just sit here and no even try.   I can’t fixate on the idea of failure and endure these stomach aches in vain.  

When I do adventurous stuff outside I feel happy.  I like to live in the moment and it feels damn good. It feels good to run fast down a mountain even though I could eat it at any moment. This weekend I shivered at the wind whipped around me at the tip of Fleet Island.  It was freezing, but I took a deep breath and closed by eyes, and it felt amazing.    Why can’t entrepreneurship feel the same way?  Why do I have to fixate on failure so much? It’s tough, but we all experience Gut Churn in life.  We all stress and worry about failure. He overcame the Gut Churn, and so can we.    

(I wrote this in an hour -- sorry if there are errors!)

Why I don't I blog?

I have wanted to start blogging for a while now, but have managed to come up with excuses each time.  I’m busy. I have kids. The list goes on and goes about things that I think I need to get done. I need to run – exercise is important.  I need to read to get smarter, right? I’m a busy person. We are all busy and know this is a weak excuse.  We all have the same number of hours in each day.  It is just a matter of time management, recognizing the real reasons I make these excuses, and why I provide false ones for defense.   Easier said than done, right? Stepping back and reflecting is hard in the world-wind of life, but needs to be done for growth.

So, why I don’t I blog?  The answer may not come today or ever and I’m probably going to ramble (which I’m already doing, hence blogging right? J).  I’m certainly not going to promise wit, high quality writing, or that anything I write will make sense either.  I'm just trying this thing out.

(Unlike Noah’s poem below)

I’ve taken a root cause analysis course and am in the process of undergoing Lean Training at work.  I like the concepts I’m learning, but they just not clicking and I’m not sure why.  I’m trying to actively use the tools I’ve learned on a daily basis for small things at first.  I recognize that frequently I am not a problem solver, but a venter.  When people try to offer solutions and suggestions to problems I argue with them, but really it’s an internal argument I’m having in my brain that I happen to say out loud.  It’s rationalizing my inability to change. 

I work in quality.  My job is to push for changes for improvement, but I argue with people when they try to provide solutions to my problems when I’m stressed out.  Although defense mechanisms are designed to help you stay alive, they can really mess you up by setting you back in life.  I become the people at work cause me to be stressed out, and the wife that stresses their husband out (sorry, Chris).

Isn’t that funny?  Look what reflection while writing a blog does: It make you realize that you are becoming your worse enemy (yes, I realize I could have just said I was hypocritical but I wanted to quote Eve 6).

Anyways, back on task.  Lean encourages the idea of making data driven decisions, which involves looking at all data and evaluating it.  I work with a lot of data on a daily basis and have to do trend analysis to make rational decisions. So, in an effort to be data driven I started writing this by typing at last 20 random thoughts that weren’t even complete sentences for why I don’t blog. These incoherent mutterings served as my data.

Here is one that was just humorous that I felt I needed to share: “There is a black smudge on the wall in front of me.” Clearly I was distracted and looking for a reason to walk away from the computer and not attempt to write and reflect. In fact, after completing this exercise I noticed my palms were sweating and my heart was racing. Why? Because of the thought of organizing these thoughts into something articulate made me want to barf.   

Alright, so I’ve made it clear that while writing this I am well out of my comfort zone. Let this serve as your warning.

So why do I feel this way? 

Here’s some more “data” to consider:

What the heck could I write about that anyone would want to hear about?

Do people actually want to hear my thoughts?

Are they worth sharing?

Do I really want to sit and think about something to write about only to further reflect and realize my mind has changed?

Will I judge myself on the false decision to write this blog when I reread it a month later?

 I suck at writing. It is a complete chore.

What would people think of me?

BAM. I found the right data. This is meaningful data that provides more detail to the underlying reasons for why I don’t blog.

I have talked about the fact that I’ve always questioned my intelligence with very few friends. I’ve made it a life rule to surround myself with intelligent people to push myself and to remain open minded always.  This is a very important value for everyone (and we can all agree that some individuals need to consider it more), however, in a lot of ways it has set me back in life.  Repeatedly, I let other people effect how I perceive my thoughts, opinions, and actions. It has made me over think a lot which it painful.  Over-analyzing situations causes anxiety simply hurts your brain and makes you not want to think. Anyone who has ran with me for longer than an hour can tell you that I fixate and overthink everything and may have driven them into the urge to hit their head against a wall.  The answer can be right in front of me and I completely overlooked it. But how do you get better at this? Your advice is welcomed here buds- and I promise that I won’t argue with you this time.   

So perhaps, Writing is work for me because thinking is work for me. I like to live in the moment, but this is not always rational.  I love running because you just go.  Sometimes I have to ask Chris to just order a meal for me because I need a break from thinking. Sometimes I have to listen to music and sing to it to get a break from thinking, which doesn’t make sense because you have to think to memorize words, right? On the other hand, I also frequently get frustrated when my brain cannot process information to the degree that I want it to.  I fixate on the information I don’t know rather than the information given.  I want all the puzzle pieces fit together right away.  Does this happen to anyone else? The brain is a wild beast.  It really cannot be comprehended- at least by me.  

Thinking doesn’t come to me naturally, but questioning does.  I have always struggled to articulate my thoughts and form the right questions. As a result I have watched other people smash me down and tell me I’m wrong and then turn about and present my ideas and win. We all have and strive to stop it from happening.  It’s just a matter of recognizing your weaknesses and rather than ignoring them, fight them. Be afraid.  Here I come. 

  

So what it boils down to is that I am violating two of my life rules by not blogging

1) Don’t let other people hold you back

2) Step out of your comfort zone frequently  

I tell Noah and other people these are 2 important things to always consider in life. I just need to do a better job at it myself. I need to stop being a wuss. I wrote it and it’s going to happen and honestly because this blog was so freaking hard to write that I need to make the effort worth it.   

I've been inspired by other people's blogs. I like to hear what goes on it their heads, but mostly, I admire their guts: Their ability to just put their thoughts out there and see what happens.  Their ability to write fearlessly.  They show me that writing doesn't have to be a painful task. 

 

I remember I asked my college roommate who was an English major how she wrote well, and she said “you are an intelligent person. I can tell by talking to you.  Write like you talk.” It was good advice and I wrote this blog like I talk to the poor unfortunate souls that listen to me during long runs J. I hope I didn’t lose you too much.

So now you probably think “Wow, Heather is a head case.” Which is completely true: I’m human…  And a woman…  a mother… And a long distance runner. Actually, it’s because I’m alive and not stagnant, and need to reflect more to improve as a human being; therefore I’m going to continue to blog to become a better thinker and writer.  Continue reading at your own risk.