Why I don't I blog?

I have wanted to start blogging for a while now, but have managed to come up with excuses each time.  I’m busy. I have kids. The list goes on and goes about things that I think I need to get done. I need to run – exercise is important.  I need to read to get smarter, right? I’m a busy person. We are all busy and know this is a weak excuse.  We all have the same number of hours in each day.  It is just a matter of time management, recognizing the real reasons I make these excuses, and why I provide false ones for defense.   Easier said than done, right? Stepping back and reflecting is hard in the world-wind of life, but needs to be done for growth.

So, why I don’t I blog?  The answer may not come today or ever and I’m probably going to ramble (which I’m already doing, hence blogging right? J).  I’m certainly not going to promise wit, high quality writing, or that anything I write will make sense either.  I'm just trying this thing out.

(Unlike Noah’s poem below)

I’ve taken a root cause analysis course and am in the process of undergoing Lean Training at work.  I like the concepts I’m learning, but they just not clicking and I’m not sure why.  I’m trying to actively use the tools I’ve learned on a daily basis for small things at first.  I recognize that frequently I am not a problem solver, but a venter.  When people try to offer solutions and suggestions to problems I argue with them, but really it’s an internal argument I’m having in my brain that I happen to say out loud.  It’s rationalizing my inability to change. 

I work in quality.  My job is to push for changes for improvement, but I argue with people when they try to provide solutions to my problems when I’m stressed out.  Although defense mechanisms are designed to help you stay alive, they can really mess you up by setting you back in life.  I become the people at work cause me to be stressed out, and the wife that stresses their husband out (sorry, Chris).

Isn’t that funny?  Look what reflection while writing a blog does: It make you realize that you are becoming your worse enemy (yes, I realize I could have just said I was hypocritical but I wanted to quote Eve 6).

Anyways, back on task.  Lean encourages the idea of making data driven decisions, which involves looking at all data and evaluating it.  I work with a lot of data on a daily basis and have to do trend analysis to make rational decisions. So, in an effort to be data driven I started writing this by typing at last 20 random thoughts that weren’t even complete sentences for why I don’t blog. These incoherent mutterings served as my data.

Here is one that was just humorous that I felt I needed to share: “There is a black smudge on the wall in front of me.” Clearly I was distracted and looking for a reason to walk away from the computer and not attempt to write and reflect. In fact, after completing this exercise I noticed my palms were sweating and my heart was racing. Why? Because of the thought of organizing these thoughts into something articulate made me want to barf.   

Alright, so I’ve made it clear that while writing this I am well out of my comfort zone. Let this serve as your warning.

So why do I feel this way? 

Here’s some more “data” to consider:

What the heck could I write about that anyone would want to hear about?

Do people actually want to hear my thoughts?

Are they worth sharing?

Do I really want to sit and think about something to write about only to further reflect and realize my mind has changed?

Will I judge myself on the false decision to write this blog when I reread it a month later?

 I suck at writing. It is a complete chore.

What would people think of me?

BAM. I found the right data. This is meaningful data that provides more detail to the underlying reasons for why I don’t blog.

I have talked about the fact that I’ve always questioned my intelligence with very few friends. I’ve made it a life rule to surround myself with intelligent people to push myself and to remain open minded always.  This is a very important value for everyone (and we can all agree that some individuals need to consider it more), however, in a lot of ways it has set me back in life.  Repeatedly, I let other people effect how I perceive my thoughts, opinions, and actions. It has made me over think a lot which it painful.  Over-analyzing situations causes anxiety simply hurts your brain and makes you not want to think. Anyone who has ran with me for longer than an hour can tell you that I fixate and overthink everything and may have driven them into the urge to hit their head against a wall.  The answer can be right in front of me and I completely overlooked it. But how do you get better at this? Your advice is welcomed here buds- and I promise that I won’t argue with you this time.   

So perhaps, Writing is work for me because thinking is work for me. I like to live in the moment, but this is not always rational.  I love running because you just go.  Sometimes I have to ask Chris to just order a meal for me because I need a break from thinking. Sometimes I have to listen to music and sing to it to get a break from thinking, which doesn’t make sense because you have to think to memorize words, right? On the other hand, I also frequently get frustrated when my brain cannot process information to the degree that I want it to.  I fixate on the information I don’t know rather than the information given.  I want all the puzzle pieces fit together right away.  Does this happen to anyone else? The brain is a wild beast.  It really cannot be comprehended- at least by me.  

Thinking doesn’t come to me naturally, but questioning does.  I have always struggled to articulate my thoughts and form the right questions. As a result I have watched other people smash me down and tell me I’m wrong and then turn about and present my ideas and win. We all have and strive to stop it from happening.  It’s just a matter of recognizing your weaknesses and rather than ignoring them, fight them. Be afraid.  Here I come. 

  

So what it boils down to is that I am violating two of my life rules by not blogging

1) Don’t let other people hold you back

2) Step out of your comfort zone frequently  

I tell Noah and other people these are 2 important things to always consider in life. I just need to do a better job at it myself. I need to stop being a wuss. I wrote it and it’s going to happen and honestly because this blog was so freaking hard to write that I need to make the effort worth it.   

I've been inspired by other people's blogs. I like to hear what goes on it their heads, but mostly, I admire their guts: Their ability to just put their thoughts out there and see what happens.  Their ability to write fearlessly.  They show me that writing doesn't have to be a painful task. 

 

I remember I asked my college roommate who was an English major how she wrote well, and she said “you are an intelligent person. I can tell by talking to you.  Write like you talk.” It was good advice and I wrote this blog like I talk to the poor unfortunate souls that listen to me during long runs J. I hope I didn’t lose you too much.

So now you probably think “Wow, Heather is a head case.” Which is completely true: I’m human…  And a woman…  a mother… And a long distance runner. Actually, it’s because I’m alive and not stagnant, and need to reflect more to improve as a human being; therefore I’m going to continue to blog to become a better thinker and writer.  Continue reading at your own risk.