Gut Churn

For my birthday this past year Chris and I went on a date, just the two of us for the first time since Lydia had been born.   Chris dressed nice, found a sitter, and wouldn’t even let me know where we were going.  We ended up going to the Black Hen and a show at the Center of the Arts. Usually I’m the kind of person that isn’t interested in expensive meals, but the Black Hen is really good – if you are in Blacksburg it is the ideal date and fabulous food. I mean the bread just fell apart in my month.  The pork chop and cocktail I had… oh man.  

I admit I could write pages and pages about the subject of food, the Black Hen is not what gave me gut churn (thank goodness J). The show we went to was called Gut Churn.  We listened to Jad Abumrad talk about what it was like to start one of the first pod casts: RadioLab.  This guy started the entire idea of pod casts.  HE STARTED IT- meaning he had no reference or standard ingredients or script.  He just dove into a cave of venous snakes like Indianna Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark and he too was afraid of snakes.  The only difference was he didn’t have a pretty girl to impress like Indy did and he was completely blind folded. 

Sure, he talked about how he had amazing conversations that changed his life and others, letters he’d gotten from fans, and how unbelievable the entire experience was and it was very inspirational.  But the most inspirational part was when he talked about how it REALLY felt was he starting Radio Lab.  What true entrepreneurship physically did to his brain and body.  He experienced terrible nausea and stomach aches for weeks and weeks, sitting in the fetal position for hours but he was perfectly healthy.  He woke up each morning knowing that he could fail over and over again.  Not wanting to move or think or feel – too anxious to be functional and skittish.  He was so real and knew that people needed to know this true to succeed like he had, because he continued to fight through it. 

I saw a ton of family this weekend and of course they all asked: How’s work.  I gave the glossed over smile and gave them the socially acceptable response of “fine” and changed the subject.    No one wants to hear how stressful work is and quite frankly I had a stomach ache all week at work and didn’t want it to come back.  I don’t hate my job.  I have a great boss and I put all the stress on myself because I just have high expectations.  I could be like everyone around me and just do what I’m told even though it’s stupid, but I can’t.  I’m not even a true entrepreneur, but I am driving change which means I’m fighting against a raging river current.  Being in this position I always wonder, is it really worth what I’m fighting for? And there is always the possibility that what you feel needs to change wrong.  I positive this is Gut Churn.

I have to take the risk and the potential consequences that come with it.  If I get fired: fine.  If it piss people off: fine (its bond to happen anyways). If it’s not the best for the company and I’m told that and it’s ok to ask why and learn, but I can’t just sit here and no even try.   I can’t fixate on the idea of failure and endure these stomach aches in vain.  

When I do adventurous stuff outside I feel happy.  I like to live in the moment and it feels damn good. It feels good to run fast down a mountain even though I could eat it at any moment. This weekend I shivered at the wind whipped around me at the tip of Fleet Island.  It was freezing, but I took a deep breath and closed by eyes, and it felt amazing.    Why can’t entrepreneurship feel the same way?  Why do I have to fixate on failure so much? It’s tough, but we all experience Gut Churn in life.  We all stress and worry about failure. He overcame the Gut Churn, and so can we.    

(I wrote this in an hour -- sorry if there are errors!)