For two good friends

My friend Ginger is pregnant and like everyone else I am so incredibly happy for her and Trevor!  I mean talk about two of the most positive people I have ever met – we became friends quick!  They are just a couple that radiates with happiness, even before they knew they were expecting a little boy. 

I asked them to text me when they found out whether were having a boy or girl and when they did I completed teared up.  I’m not only happy because I know they are so excited.  I’m happy that they get to experience what I have as parent so far in my life.  

I’m just so happy for them and  I know that they are probably being flooded with advice right now – some they want to hear and some they don’t—I realize this so I haven’t said much to them about the child birth and parenting experience and what I have learned so far.  As a parent, now with my second, I am trying to reflect more and recognize what I have learned, so I’m writing this to do that and they can read it if they’d like.

1)      Realistically, parenting is flying by the seat of your pants the majority of the time.  You will meet parents that feel the need to tell you how much they have everything under control.  They don’t.  They probably have a better grip than I do (don’t worry, you will be better J) but they don’t have as much control as they think.  No one is the perfect parent.   Don’t let them bully you and don’t let teachers pick to you and make you think you have the worst kid.

   

2)      There will be times that you feel like you are completing failing as a parent.  Completely normal.  I thought I had the worst kid in the school after every parent teacher conference and especially when I found out that Noah was throwing rocks in the street during recess and hit a car.  Everyone found out about it at the school.  The driver threatened to sue to the school.  I never thought about telling my son “don’t through rocks in the street,” or better yet, “don’t let other kids trick you into doing stuff” at this point.  You can’t teach them everything at once and sometimes they figure out stuff on their own – and this you need to give them credit for.  They are smarter than you think – even as a toddler Lydia surprises us.  

3)      There will be a lot of tears. Happy tears, sad tears, frustration tears, tears sharing your kid’s pain because they through their favorite stuffed animal out of the window on 81.  You will find yourself doing completely lunatic things, like flagging down a police officer with tears streaming down your face begging them to retrieve the stuffed animal.  Noah was completely fine and not crying at all by the way while I was having a mental break down picturing him going to sleep with out it.  The police officer basically called me bat-shit crazy, but managed to find it which was a miracle.  He told me in his 20 years of service he had never been asked to find a stuffed animal off of 81.  This is just one story that I cant laugh about today and you will have so many stories like this that you will be able to tell.

    

4)       People will tell you to kiss your current life style goodbye, but that does not have to be the case.  Your life is going to change, drastically and it is going to shock you and put you in a panic.  It’s hard to put someone else before yourself. You might not have sex for a month. You might not sleep well for 2 years.   You might lose friends.  You might put running as much as you’d like on hold, or you might find away.  It takes planning, prioritizing, and being considerate of your spouse.  Research has been shown that the number 1 time people have been the most depressed has been after having a baby.  It’s due to hormones for Mama but it’s also due to reflecting on the fact that you cannot do what you used to do and the fact that you are now putting another person before yourself.  I doesn’t last long, hang in there.  And actively try to do what you want to stay happy because happy parents are better parents.

5)      Remember the importance of small adventures.  Even though they seem small, annoying and boring, they can mean the world to your son.  They can remember a lot. It’s fun to show someone the little things in the world and everything is fascinating to them.

   

6)      Your marriage may suffer. Don’t ever say “YOUR son…” to your spouse.  Don’t fight about chores even if one of you feels you are doing more than the other.  The house is going to be messy. Figure out ways to prevent fighting about parenting and money.  Definitely don’t fight in front of your kids.  It effects them regardless of the age.   Try not to take anything personal in fights (easier said then done).  And have special time with your spouse.  Make the time.  Get a sitter and don’t feel guilty, because you need it. Never mention the D word no matter how stressed out you are.

   

7)       You are going to suffer. It’s hard no longer having control of your life or your kid’s life.  Not being able to protect them from all harm.  It’s called love.  It hurts.  You will love them so much and even though they love you too, it will never be as much (even though there have been moments where my kids have made me think otherwise).  Don’t expect anything else back for your love.  You won’t get respect without work. Its hard to punish, but it needs be done, and I can’t give you any advice on that subject because currently I suck at it! J (work in progress)

8)      Keep in mind that they are a little ball of energy.  Don’t expect them to sit still and behave.  If they do, it’s not long.  You of all parents wouldn’t want them to be sedentary anyways.  Schools’ expectation of children isn’t realistic and stifles their creativity.  Even though it can be annoying, you miss it when that energy is gone and they are hurting as preteens.

9)      Never expect yourself to be able to read your child and be prepared for anything. You get used to something and it changes.  The young ages are really hard, but it gets easier the older they and then there are new challenges.  Remember you have a lot of people to help you, but take advice with a grain of salt.  You are the parents. You know your child better than anyone else.  You know best.             

10)   Savor every minute you can.  I have to remind myself this everyday.  I have to tell myself one day you will miss these days, even though life is so hard right now.  These are the years that define us.  They are watching us and we have to be as strong as we can be.