Go Herndon Hornets!

I'm starting vacation in a unique way this year.  I was nominated for the Hall of Fame at my High School.  Great accomplishment, right?  So, why don't I want to go and why do I feel sick about it?

I have always felt uncomfortable when people have complimented me on anything, especially running.  One side of me thinks "well, I used to train really hard" and the other is like "I wasn't that fast, because I wasn't the best".  So, basically I'm hard on myself and a big jerk by thinking that my accomplishments mean nothing.  To me this is unintentionally egotistical not to mention a form of self-loathing and  I need to start patting myself on the back as many people who care about me have suggested.  

Recently, I have been forcing myself to accept compliments and smile even though I feel that weird butterfly feeling in my stomach each time.  I'm not sure why, but it's there, so I'm forcing myself to reflect, because if I don't, I know I will regret it in the long run.

So, I'm not sure what to think about this nomination and a lot of emotions are going through me right now from nostalgia- in fact  I thought it would be interesting to write a blog as first how I felt prior to going to the ceremony tonight and then reflect and write more afterward, so here it goes...

Before the ceremony (June 26, 2016 - the day of the ceremony)

Does anyone else struggle to come up with memories on the spot? They seem to come randomly and Noah loves to hear the stories, but I can't give him enough. Below are some pictures from my senior year book.  By the way -- fun fact: if you go to Google Images and type in "Heather Fisher Herndon High School" the first hit is quite possibly the most terrifying picture of me running and shows why my best friend Carliegh nick named me "thunder thighs".  Thank goodness is is the only image of me running, because I try too run too hard to be a pretty runner.     

High School.  That time you think about and you get a little sick to your stomach and roll your eyes and laugh.  Back when you thought life was really hard, but it actually wasn't.  Teenage Wasteland, otherwise known as some people's golden years or glory days even though at the time you swore you wouldn't let it be.  When you had the closest friends imaginable, but didn't realize it and took them for granted. When you regret more than you praise yourself for.  When you look back and just wish you did more and was more, even though you may have been trying to do too much at once (story of my life).  The time when you hated that girl that kept beating you, but now you love her for pushing you and keeping you focused and driven.

You also realize that ironically your actions were solely based on what your friends were doing and not enough because you wanted to do it, yet it formed you into the person you are today.  Before you were comfortable in your skin.

I was the competitive runner- that is all I was known for and that's exactly what I was. Everything I did was for track and to try to win.  Power lifting, going to practice everyday, track meets every weekend, aqua jogging during injuries(ok this was the worst), taking ice baths, running injured, hosting pasta parties on Friday nights for all day track meets every Saturday, year round. And as a result, I surrounded myself with great people that pushed me in academics and track. 

In high school people thought I was fast and I was pretty fast - There I said it.  Yes, I wasn't the best in the country and all of my records are already off the board at Herndon High School, but I was fast.  I may think that I raced like a wuss a lot (drove my coaches nuts) and was too into boys, but who got to win a state championship in XC with the best team, Regionals as an anker leg for a 4 by 8, make all Met Runner for XC, and letter all seasons for all 4 years?

Jeez.. I'm starting to sound like my Dad, boasting about myself, but your parents are supposed to make you feel good about yourself  and thanks Dad. Thanks for believing in me, cooking a crap ton of pasta, driving us EVERYWHERE for races a mile or less, setting up embarrassing shrines of plaques and metals in your house, and coming to track meets after working 12 hour shifts.

 I do still wish I did more- not just with track,  but everything. I think we all think that.  So I feel a little weird going to this thing tonight.
 
Also, all I can think about is the memories I had with close friends that I have done such a poor job keeping in touch with and some that won't ever talk to me again for other reasons.  I'm bummed no friends will be there and my coaches can't make it.  And also... I need to stop beating around the bush with this post. Like all high school memories, most of all I think about my friendship with Noah's Dad and our group of friends.  Adrian was my best friend.  Our parents were best friends.  We spent every weekend together, doing silly things to try to stay out of trouble.  This group of friends helped make me the person I am today and these memories brings up a lot of strange feelings that I don't know what to do with.  Maybe one day it will become a blog, but I have no idea how to articulate these feelings and my feelings toward Adrian and there is too much that cannot be undone. It truly bothers me that I cannot feel 100% good about celebrating tonight because there are so many memories which I have blocked out because of the sick, sad feelings I get from nostalgia.  This is probably why I cannot think of more memories to tell Noah as well.
 
After the ceremony 
Funny thing about facebook - everyone quickly learns everything about you quickly.
Dad, couldn't control himself.  He did his photography thing and made a post. He made sure everyone knew because he was my biggest fan and he was proud. This is exactly, what I didn't want to happen, but it is a big deal and I need to accept that. I'm sure there were some people that saw the post as bragging (including myself to an extent), which is my dad's god-given right as a parent, but who cares?  There will always be people that think that.  It's already posted, what else can I do about it but grab it by the horns and embrace it? One of the reasons I chose to start blogging was to step out of my comfort zone anyways.  So, thanks everyone that congratulated me on facebook!  Especially Kristin Hart who ran with me all four years and was nominated 2 years ago.  You deserved it -- I spent all high school chasing you and even though I didn't realize it and show it at the time, I loved you.  The fact that you said something meant a lot.  Thank you.

All week at the beach people congratulated me and I blushed with a fluttering stomach, but I forced myself to say more than just "thank you."  They wanted to hear what it was like and how I felt about it.  I didn't have much time to reflect on it until now.  

I saw a lot of athletes that had the opportunity to reunite with their coaches and it was really special.  I wish my coaches were there, but they mentioned that a team would make the Hall of Fame each year, so I'm looking forward to a reunion at some point!

A pole vaulter from the 70s was there.  His picture from high school was gorgeous -- he looked like Steve Prefontaine with flowing blonde hair and chiseled legs, looking cool lounging on the track between jumps.  He had developed Parkinsons and he broke down and it was SO inspirational.  I was so touched that he said my on-the-fly-speech was inspirational as well.  

A lot of the other Hall of Famers were still in the area and coaching -- touching other kids lives like their coaches had done.  Possibly making a bigger difference in the world than anyone else.  Not to mention that in my mind, the multi-sport athletes are the most inspirational -- that is raw athleticism.

One lady made the Hall for how much she volunteered time at athletic events -- supporting the athletes long after her kids finished school.  She got the longest applause as deserved.  
  
Noah got to meet an amazing soccer player who graduated right before me.  He played soccer and football and then played soccer at Syracuse and then professionally.  Noah and him talked soccer all night.  He felt extremely out of place, like me because he was from out of town, not sure what to do in terms of celebrating himself, and freaked out when he realized that people were making speeches too.  He had a baby boy on the way, and I hugged him and whispered into his ear "Thank you, You really inspired my son" and we both said a tear-eyed goodbye feeling like we'd known each other for years.

The athletic director never met me and did a great job reading off my stats.  Running stats are much different than other sports.  For example, although I participated on a team and relay teams (which was my favorite part) a lot of it was based off of individual performance.  It came down to you raising other runners and the clock.  It was much easier for me to make all district, etc. compared to the other athletes who played in more team sports.  To them, I looked much more accomplished, but I wasn't at all.  Also, they were fascinated that I could still run so much -- that my ACLs were not torn, etc.  It made me realize  I was really lucky.  Not only had I had amazing experiences running in high school, I had discovered my passion: running.  My escape from the real world.    

And also I got to meet Scottie Reynolds who is now playing professional basketball in Europe and he managed to come home for this event.  We were in school two years together and never met because we were in our own little bubbles with training.  He was adopted by a friend of mine's family and actually told by his coach that he needed to go to another school because there wasn't anything else he could do for his career - but he stuck around and got Herndon a Regional Championship.  He mentioned that HHS changed his life, as it had for all of us.

I was the second to last to talk, after a lot of emotional and long speeches.  I shook in front of everyone and wanted to cry so I kept it short and sweet (I thought talking about memories was a mute point with out my coaches and team mates there).  I wanted to say more but sort of choked. I had a lot in my head and only said about a tenth of it.

I started by thanking Herndon High School.  It got to the point when I just said Thank you three times in row.  I think they got my point.  I also tried to crack a joke about having a great time doing every other sport's punishment... no one got it and they thought i was just a freak (because runners are freaks who only understand each other).  I talked about a conversation I had with mom recently about frustration with my current fitness.  I said "Mom, why can't I be like everyone else and just run a local 5k and have fun with it regardless of my performance?"  She said "because that isn't you."  I told the room they were the same why and we wouldn't be here today if we weren't so painfully competitive.  Said I hope my two kids have coaches and mentors as good as mine from high school and ending thanking the room for giving me someone to chase.

Noah said it was a good speech so that means a lot.  
 
I didn't talk about the team OR thank my parents and I felt like a real jerk about it.  Dad was hurt and I could tell, but the moment was over.  I did thank my parents on facebook, which made dad happy, but I still don't feel like it was enough.      

   So, I'm happy I went.  Nostalgia can be happy too.  It gave me the drive to try to reach out to high school friends again as well as showed me I had the courage to celebrate myself and come up with a speech last minute.  It reminded me that you should celebrate yourself (even the small things) and love your self every day that you get to live.